I molested 6 butterflies tonight
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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