Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
