Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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