Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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