I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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