I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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