the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
