i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
