i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The ass gains better be worth it
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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