I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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