Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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