I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
