sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
