Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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