I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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