just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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