I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
