I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
