I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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