who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
