Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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