he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
