My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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