Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
