I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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