I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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