dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
