I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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