I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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