he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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