so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
