she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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