First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
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