So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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