If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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