Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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