If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
