She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Randomize
