Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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