Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize