i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
