if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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