so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
