im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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