i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
