I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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