you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
