no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
