you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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