I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
