I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
