so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
