i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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