It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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