theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
