Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
