SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
