I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
