Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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