I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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