i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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