I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
We need to get me chipped asap
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
