I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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