There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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