shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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