My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
