just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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