You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
