plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
